so, the interview.
i'm not really sure how it went. he said i look like a partier. but i think he meant it as a good thing because right after that he said he was looking to put together a group of 5 social young people to go to a school that it is in a more rural area. haha. but yeah. i should find out in a week or two. fingers crossed. but sort of not. the nice thing about not getting it is that then i don't have the decision to make. but, then again, i want it. i at least want the choice to be mine.
two more week of my practicum! two more weeks of teacher clothes and classroom management and photocopier mishaps. i'll miss it, i really will. but it'll be nice to be free. to be a university graduate. a teacher.
a teacher!
last class a girl, who is not the keenest of kids, said that i explain things really well. i don't know why but that stuck with me as a really huge compliment. she just said it kind of offhand, there may have been an f word that slipped out, but she meant it.
sometimes (all the time) i don't know how to react to kids who say fuck. i mean, i say it all the time. but there's a difference between when i overhear it and when it is shouted across the field/room at someone. i usually just give it a "not in my class" and let it slide. it's interesting though. those little things.
i will miss this. hopefully i won't spend too long without it, though.
April 17, 2010
April 15, 2010
life choices
i am getting an excellent on my practicum report. not a good or a satisfactory. an excellent! i didn't realize it was that big of a deal but apparently it will make all the difference if i ever want to get on the toc list in the district, or in any popular district for that matter. i honestly don't feel like i'm doing an excellent job. 90% of the time i feel like i am just flying by the seat of my pants. but i have fun. i am enthusiastic. it feels natural. and so i am getting an excellent. i'm glad it hasn't worn off, my initial love of teaching. i thought it might. i thought i might get into it and realize that it wasn't for me. it hasn't happened yet.
but.
i am nervous about this china thing. my interview is tomorrow and i just don't know. i would love to go, i mean come on, but it's a long time. it's far away. i like what i'm doing here. i like my life right now. i actually love my life right now. this isn't like me. i'm usually focused on the next best thing. so it's tricky to think about leaving it behind. but then again, once this practicum is done there isn't a lot to keep me here. my family, of course. the lake. the way it stays warm, in the summer, even after the sun sets. but there are no jobs here. i don't have a place. i do have a cat, the sweetest cat ever, but he has a home waiting for him. so. what to do. i just have the sense of urgency. i may not even get a job, but if i do, it'll be a quick decision. yes or no. and if i don't get it, where do i go? everyone says i should get on the list here, put in my time, there will be work for me, and see what happens in terms of getting a contract. but i've always said that's the last thing i want. but maybe it's not? i don't know. oh man. dilemmas.
thankfully, this is an exciting decision. oh do i want to go to china and make money and have crazy adventures or do i want to stay here, in one of the most beautiful places in the world? oh woe is me.
i'll keep you posted.
but.
i am nervous about this china thing. my interview is tomorrow and i just don't know. i would love to go, i mean come on, but it's a long time. it's far away. i like what i'm doing here. i like my life right now. i actually love my life right now. this isn't like me. i'm usually focused on the next best thing. so it's tricky to think about leaving it behind. but then again, once this practicum is done there isn't a lot to keep me here. my family, of course. the lake. the way it stays warm, in the summer, even after the sun sets. but there are no jobs here. i don't have a place. i do have a cat, the sweetest cat ever, but he has a home waiting for him. so. what to do. i just have the sense of urgency. i may not even get a job, but if i do, it'll be a quick decision. yes or no. and if i don't get it, where do i go? everyone says i should get on the list here, put in my time, there will be work for me, and see what happens in terms of getting a contract. but i've always said that's the last thing i want. but maybe it's not? i don't know. oh man. dilemmas.
thankfully, this is an exciting decision. oh do i want to go to china and make money and have crazy adventures or do i want to stay here, in one of the most beautiful places in the world? oh woe is me.
i'll keep you posted.
April 06, 2010
+/-
+ the grade eight volleyball team i help coach won the zone championships last thursday.
+ i got an unreal reference letter from one of my sponsor teachers.
+ i have a job interview with maple leaf schools on april 17th-ish. that would mean committing to at least a year in china, but probably two. i was so so so gung-ho about this plan but now i have to give it a good think. these are exciting decisions though!
+ only 18 more teaching days left! this is actually a +/- because i'll be so glad to be done but i'll be sad to leave my school and my students. i've grown pretty attached.
+ i started playing the stock market (actually my dad plays it on my behalf) and i'm making money.
+ i went to edmonton and got to eat at chianti, see lots of my friends, visit my baba, and inspire jenna with my love of nailpolish and this one type of starbucks travel mug (alie knows about this mug, i think).
+ i took a risk with some facebook stalkery and it looks like it may have paid off.
+ i got into the explore program so i get to spend 5 weeks in nova scotia in may/june.
- i am meant to be running another half marathon in halifax but i have not trained even slightly and still haven't seen a physio yet about my knee. i feel like this will be a recurring pattern in my life. oh wait, it already is.
- marking. oh my gosh the marking. so much marking to do.
+ i got an unreal reference letter from one of my sponsor teachers.
+ i have a job interview with maple leaf schools on april 17th-ish. that would mean committing to at least a year in china, but probably two. i was so so so gung-ho about this plan but now i have to give it a good think. these are exciting decisions though!
+ only 18 more teaching days left! this is actually a +/- because i'll be so glad to be done but i'll be sad to leave my school and my students. i've grown pretty attached.
+ i started playing the stock market (actually my dad plays it on my behalf) and i'm making money.
+ i went to edmonton and got to eat at chianti, see lots of my friends, visit my baba, and inspire jenna with my love of nailpolish and this one type of starbucks travel mug (alie knows about this mug, i think).
+ i took a risk with some facebook stalkery and it looks like it may have paid off.
+ i got into the explore program so i get to spend 5 weeks in nova scotia in may/june.
- i am meant to be running another half marathon in halifax but i have not trained even slightly and still haven't seen a physio yet about my knee. i feel like this will be a recurring pattern in my life. oh wait, it already is.
- marking. oh my gosh the marking. so much marking to do.
March 20, 2010
cupcakery
happy spring!
2010
six years of cupcake making spring bliss.
and today, for the very first time, i made homemade cupcakes. meaning to say. they didn't come out of a box. they don't have little flecks of color. and they actually have a flavour. how about that? also, for the first time, they are chocolate cupcakes. and also, for the first time, i tried a new icing recipe. not so happy with the results, i kinda messed it up a bit, but it's the thought that counts! also, for the first time, no pictures. look at me, mixing it up.
colorado was amazing.
i start teaching again on monday (poetry! ultimate!).
i'm going to edmonton for easter.
i'm figuring my life out, little by little.
oh, also, i drive the coolest car in the world. a picture of that will definitely come soon!
2010
six years of cupcake making spring bliss.
and today, for the very first time, i made homemade cupcakes. meaning to say. they didn't come out of a box. they don't have little flecks of color. and they actually have a flavour. how about that? also, for the first time, they are chocolate cupcakes. and also, for the first time, i tried a new icing recipe. not so happy with the results, i kinda messed it up a bit, but it's the thought that counts! also, for the first time, no pictures. look at me, mixing it up.
colorado was amazing.
i start teaching again on monday (poetry! ultimate!).
i'm going to edmonton for easter.
i'm figuring my life out, little by little.
oh, also, i drive the coolest car in the world. a picture of that will definitely come soon!
March 10, 2010
the next big thing
i've wanted to write here for a while now. tonight my soccer team celebrated our season ending 11-1 loss with a few pitchers so why not write now. write now right now. that is a drunk mind at work. though not drunk. just that little buzz, the one i feel first in my cheeks and then in my sense of humor. i still think i am allergic to alcohol. one drink and my face is hot and blotchy. although maybe that is just an excuse for being a lightweight. who knows?
here's what i wanted to say.
i want to write. i want to write a million things. poetry, first. i want to write poems. i don't care if people read them. really, i don't care. i just want the words to travel down from whatever cortex or lobe in my brain makes words and ideas and invests them with feeling and out my finger tips onto the keyboard or paper or the glass of the shower door. i want to write prose. i want to journal. i just want to put meaningful ideas into words. i want to express myself is what it comes down to. that's a starting point, i suppose, but it has to be more than want. it has to be need. it is getting to be. my fingers itch. i hold a pen in my hands and draw mindless circles, over and over until they fill the page. the words will come. i know it. i am committed to this.
i have been reading poetry all day every day. my next unit is poetry. i am hooked again. all of a sudden i am remembering the high school days when brianna would leave little paint swatches in the pages of poetry books at our school library and i would dig through the books, find these little bookmarks, and devour whatever poem was there. and then i'd keep going. e.e. cummings. Robert Frost. Michael Ondaatje. and so on and so forth until i read my library out of poems. or at least poems that i deemed worth reading. i've always been a critic. once i competed in a local speech competition. it was part of speech & debate club. i was in grade ten and i read birches by robert frost. it is still one of my all time favorite poems. i placed third and qualified for provincials. but the teachers went on strike and provincials were cancelled that year. my debate team was supposed to go too. then the next year our teacher sponsor dropped out and my speech & debate ambitions were squashed. so i started playing sports. when one door closes, i guess.
but this is mostly what i wanted to say.
i am happy. for the first time in i can't even say how long i am happy. it isn't just this fleeting, this too shall pass, feeling of happiness. it's a deep down, in my hands, onwards and upwards feeling of happiness. i don't know what to attribute it to, exactly. this feeling that for the first time in a long time i can see a future that is full of promise. and it's my own fault i didn't feel it sooner. my own fault for not believing in myself enough to a) trust in my original desire to be a teacher or b) trusting in my belief that i did not want to be a teacher and changing paths. but instead i stayed on a path that i firmly believed wasn't the right one. the path that wasn't meant for me. and suddenly i'm here. faced with a future that absolutely terrifies me because of it's uncertainty. but one that also fills me with the greatest sense of optimism that i've ever had. this is my life. i'm doing something that i love and i will continue to have opportunities to do this thing i love, as long as i make them. the last time i had this feeling, this sense that the whole world was laid out at my feet for me to do with as i please, was probably when i graduated high school and moved to victoria. after that it was all a plan. for 5 years, then 6. i enjoyed it, don't get me wrong. there were amazing times. from shotgun bitches and strobe lights to my first love and everything in between. but i was never as happy as i have felt lately. it just feels surreal. i'm used to this sense of "just 2 more years, just 3 more semesters, just my practicum". always waiting for the next big thing. and here it is.
so how about that?
here's what i wanted to say.
i want to write. i want to write a million things. poetry, first. i want to write poems. i don't care if people read them. really, i don't care. i just want the words to travel down from whatever cortex or lobe in my brain makes words and ideas and invests them with feeling and out my finger tips onto the keyboard or paper or the glass of the shower door. i want to write prose. i want to journal. i just want to put meaningful ideas into words. i want to express myself is what it comes down to. that's a starting point, i suppose, but it has to be more than want. it has to be need. it is getting to be. my fingers itch. i hold a pen in my hands and draw mindless circles, over and over until they fill the page. the words will come. i know it. i am committed to this.
i have been reading poetry all day every day. my next unit is poetry. i am hooked again. all of a sudden i am remembering the high school days when brianna would leave little paint swatches in the pages of poetry books at our school library and i would dig through the books, find these little bookmarks, and devour whatever poem was there. and then i'd keep going. e.e. cummings. Robert Frost. Michael Ondaatje. and so on and so forth until i read my library out of poems. or at least poems that i deemed worth reading. i've always been a critic. once i competed in a local speech competition. it was part of speech & debate club. i was in grade ten and i read birches by robert frost. it is still one of my all time favorite poems. i placed third and qualified for provincials. but the teachers went on strike and provincials were cancelled that year. my debate team was supposed to go too. then the next year our teacher sponsor dropped out and my speech & debate ambitions were squashed. so i started playing sports. when one door closes, i guess.
but this is mostly what i wanted to say.
i am happy. for the first time in i can't even say how long i am happy. it isn't just this fleeting, this too shall pass, feeling of happiness. it's a deep down, in my hands, onwards and upwards feeling of happiness. i don't know what to attribute it to, exactly. this feeling that for the first time in a long time i can see a future that is full of promise. and it's my own fault i didn't feel it sooner. my own fault for not believing in myself enough to a) trust in my original desire to be a teacher or b) trusting in my belief that i did not want to be a teacher and changing paths. but instead i stayed on a path that i firmly believed wasn't the right one. the path that wasn't meant for me. and suddenly i'm here. faced with a future that absolutely terrifies me because of it's uncertainty. but one that also fills me with the greatest sense of optimism that i've ever had. this is my life. i'm doing something that i love and i will continue to have opportunities to do this thing i love, as long as i make them. the last time i had this feeling, this sense that the whole world was laid out at my feet for me to do with as i please, was probably when i graduated high school and moved to victoria. after that it was all a plan. for 5 years, then 6. i enjoyed it, don't get me wrong. there were amazing times. from shotgun bitches and strobe lights to my first love and everything in between. but i was never as happy as i have felt lately. it just feels surreal. i'm used to this sense of "just 2 more years, just 3 more semesters, just my practicum". always waiting for the next big thing. and here it is.
so how about that?
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