oh panic

okay, i'm just gonna come out and say it.

i'm having pre-china panic.

i suppose that is totally normal but i was expecting this to arrive on about august 15, four days before i leave when i realize the sheer enormity of the adventure i'm embarking on, not on june 20ish with two months to go. i can find a few reasons about why this is happening right now. the first is that i started writing my "25 before 25" life goals and i realized that i have no idea how to write goals for while i'm in china and i'm going to be in china almost the entirety of my 24th year. the goals are general, vague, and as soon as i finish them up (5 to go - suggestions are welcome) i'll post them up here. the other is that in nova scotia all my friends were talking about doing the regular immersion program during the school year and making plans to visit and discussing their wide open futures and they could do anything! and i just panicked, realizing that really, for the first time in my life, i've made plans that are non-negotiable. i'll be in china until at least this time next year and it's set in stone. that freaks the shit out of me. i suppose that's what it means to be a grownup. i am 24, after all, and the only thing i'm tied to is a contract. for a job. where i'll get paid a substantial amount of money. in china. i am really excited about it. but I'M GOING TO CHINA! WTF! sometimes, with taylor or jenna or whoever, we'll just have moments of:
"i'm going to china"
"you're going to china!"
"that's crazy!"
"i mean, china!"
"i know!"
"i can't believe it!"
"me neither!"
and then we laugh but really i'm like "oh god i'm going to china i'm not ready to go to china what if i don't like it what if i get food poisoning what if there is a pandemic what if it's too hard what if i'm not a good teacher what if i don't have the right clothes what if the kids don't like me what if i'm not ready in time oh god i'm going to china!" i'm actually not afraid about china, i'm sure it's an awesome place, but just the leaving. the being gone. i'm already missing things and people i haven't even said goodbye to.

probably i will look at this in a few days (weeks? months?) and laugh but right now i am not laughing.

okay, laughing a little. but not because it's a joke. only because i feel silly. someone tell me i am just being normal!